here & now…

…I am optimistic. I now know that the desperate pain of grief fades and is replaced with happy memories. I also know the longing to see my mum again will never go away, but I am okay with that.

This time of year reminds me so much of my mum. She was an avid gardener and loved the busyness and doing this season brings. Last year spring felt a little bittersweet, but this year, not in the midst of fresh grief, I can fondly remember my mum in her garden.

There are some things in life that we cannot change, we just have to learn to live with them {or without them}.

Here & now I want to thank you for visiting me and taking time to comment, for the connection. This space was somewhere I could ‘escape to’ last year when I couldn’t express myself in any other way. I will be ever grateful for that and for you.

Have a great week x

 

November

A little hello from me, as the final day of November winds down and we prepare to move into the last month of the year.

I haven’t posted here on a Friday, as I usually do, for a couple of weeks now and I have missed that, but life has been busier than usual {you know…I know you do} with my dad staying with us after his operation {he is doing great} and preparing for Christmas.

I will enter December with a heaviness in my heart, this Christmas will be the first in 47 years without my mum, but I know she would not want us all to have a miserable time. I have the most wonderful memories of Christmas’ past and my mum just loved the house full at this time of year. She would not want us to be sad, so we will do our best, raise a glass to her and enjoy the day as if she were with us {she will be with us}.

We purchased our Christmas tree at the weekend, it’s a lovely little thing; just the right size and has been decorated simply with lights and special ornaments. I love sitting in the lounge in the evening and watching the lights twinkle…balm for the soul.

Today saw the beginning of Just Five Things from Michelle, a wonderful, grounding  and glorious ten days of lists, words and general loveliness…I am going to savour it.

I do hope you are well, how are your Christmas plans going? Do you have your tree? I’d love to know.

Have a great week x

Finding light

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have struggled to find the light this week. I have felt anxious and sad and in all honesty, I don’t think I have been a very nice person to be around.

It’s been a tough year with such a big loss and giving support to others, I know I have let my self-care slip.

But, as I lit candles tonight, I was struck by this thought, ‘when there doesn’t seem to be any light, perhaps the only way forward is to make your own’.

Tomorrow is a new day, Autumn is my favourite season, it is time to care for me and find the light.

Sending a little light your way too xx

…

‘How far that little candle throws his beams’ ~ William Shakespeare

 

How will I forget?

He said I would forget him,

but how will I,

when he is there

in every shining star

and every blackbird’s song.

When I see him in every lovers kiss

and every golden leaf of autumn.

When I long for him in spring

as earth awakens

from winter’s slumber

and joy should fill my heart.

How will I forget?

~

Another little poem for Sunday evening…this could become a habit!

Wishing you well and hoping you are having a good weekend, Jane.

Traces

It’s hard, so hard…especially for him. Watching, as he walks away from our house to go to his (yours…) makes my heart ache. I always hope he’s left a lamp on, so it doesn’t feel quite so empty when he opens the door.

We all miss you.

You’d be proud though. We haven’t allowed ourselves to be dragged under. He’s even used the iron…yes, I know. I did offer by the way, but he insisted he could do it.

Did I say we all miss you?

Life is moving forward, and I know that is a good thing, but it feels so bad sometimes.

Spring is nearly here…I know that would make you happy. We saw the snowdrops in the park on Friday.

Your knitting is still hung on the cupboard door…

…there are traces of you everywhere.

Writing along with Amanda’s prompts, today I used Saturday’s word, which was ‘remnant’.

Twelve days

The death of someone close brings with it a new perspective. Losing someone so suddenly you cannot help but feel a little cheated, angry even, but I am certain all of this is part of the grieving process.

There have been the inevitable regrets, ‘I could have’, ‘I should have’, nothing heavy, just small things, but regrets all the same. This too, I believe is part of the process.

It has only been twelve days, but it feels like a lifetime has been lived in that short time, and in a way it has, in the memories and moments of my mum’s life that we have talked, cried and laughed about.

These past twelve days have been so hard, from the raw disbelief of the first few,  the necessity of days taken up with arrangements and days where waves of sadness wash over you with no regard for where you are or what you are doing.

It may seem strange to say this, but one good thing that has slowly risen to the surface, is the overwhelming feeling that every minute of every day is precious. Life, no matter how much we believe we have control, cannot be scripted. Life, happens regardless of what we do, it happens around us whether we are moving with it or in a tunnel of grief…this I now know.

I am aware that my life has changed forever, there will always be a piece of me missing, but I am determined to try to wake up every day and be the best person I can, because we never know when this journey will end.

I believe I owe my fortitude and positivity to my mum, she taught me the necessity of these attributes; so for this, among many other things, I am eternally grateful.

Writing along with Amanda’s beautiful February prompts. Yesterday’s prompt ‘scripted’ felt so right today.

For my mum

When I kissed her and said goodbye that night…watched her walk away, I didn’t know it would be for the very last time.

This past week we have cried, held each other tight, laughed and reflected. We have remembered the beautiful person we were all so lucky to have in our lives.

She loved flowers, loved growing things; was never more happy than when her hands were in the soil. So, as spring unfolds and earth awakens, I will see her in the snowdrops, in the daffodils, in everything that grows; and I will smile.

For my beautiful mum 1942 – 2015

Count the garden by flowers never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll ~ Author Unknown.

 

The letter

 I took it with me in my pocket, that day.

Just me, the letter and the howling wind, together on that hill.

I knew what it said without ever reading a word. I knew what tenderness there would be, what pain; and as the wind howled louder, drowning out the sound of my heart breaking, I tore at your words like a wild animal, shredded every one and set you free, on that hill.

…

Writing along with December prompts from writealm using today’s prompt ‘missive’.

You were there

You were there when we moved into our beloved home…as if to welcome us. You were not ours but we loved you as if you were. You were a pleasure, the loveliest cat we have ever known, gentle and oh so funny. Tommy, our borrowed cat, our furry friend…how we will miss you.

Rest in peace Tommy x

Inspired by the most gentle creature I have ever known and using today’s Writealm prompt ‘pleasure’.

Handful of light

 

 

‘Mama, why do you carry a handful of light with you and never let it go?’

 

‘My beautiful son, I carry it for us, to always light our way.’

 

‘Will I ever hold it?’

 

‘Yes, it will be yours when I am gone, but, I will take a small piece with me for my journey.’

 

‘But, I don’t want you to go.’

 

‘My darling child, when you need me near, all you will need to do is hold the light to your heart, look to the sky and you will see me shining.’

 

…

 

For my son…my handful of light, always x

 

…

 

Inspired by today’s writealm prompt ‘handful of light’