here & now…

pink

…I am optimistic. I now know that the desperate pain of grief fades and is replaced with happy memories. I also know the longing to see my mum again will never go away, but I am okay with that.

This time of year reminds me so much of my mum. She was an avid gardener and loved the busyness and doing this season brings. Last year spring felt a little bittersweet, but this year, not in the midst of fresh grief, I can fondly remember my mum in her garden.

There are some things in life that we cannot change, we just have to learn to live with them {or without them}.

Here & now I want to thank you for visiting me and taking time to comment, for the connection. This space was somewhere I could ‘escape to’ last year when I couldn’t express myself in any other way. I will be ever grateful for that and for you.

Have a great week x

 

Friday {Gratitude Week 2015}

001

Today I am grateful for…

…being at home {I don’t work Fridays and I love it}.

…rainbows {they never cease to fascinate me}.

…new opportunities that present themselves unexpectedly.

…weekends and the chance to relax.

…the healing power of time and the ability eventually to talk about a loved one lost and not feel like crying.

Sharing gratitude for seven days as part of Gratitude Week 2015 with Michelle. Can it really be Friday, only two more days? I will miss this, but intend to carry on privately as it has done me so much good to check in with myself everyday and really look at what I have and be thankful.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend x

6 months

041

As if through frost-covered glass

we peered.

Unable to scrape away

the thin ice we were skating on

between sadness and resignation.

The veil, lifted tentatively

with shaking hands,

revealed a world

seemingly unaltered;

yet changed forever.

Writing along with Amanda’s prompts over at The Habit of Being, today’s is ‘opaque’.

Opening up

Opening

This week has been the start of something, a new beginning.

I don’t feel any pressure, like there is some kind of ultimate goal to be reached, instead it feels that even if I step backwards, it doesn’t matter, that it’s absolutely okay to just start again {and I like that…I like it a lot}.

I have come to realise that it is the intention, the willingness to try to move forward that counts. An acknowledgement that something needs to change…and it will {it is}.

I have also turned a corner in the grieving process and that feel so good too. I feel like a flower that is opening up, the light has really reached me again.

Thanks to everyone over at Intention for 7, each and everyone of you is special and Michelle, you are amazing.

 

 

Twelve days

The death of someone close brings with it a new perspective. Losing someone so suddenly you cannot help but feel a little cheated, angry even, but I am certain all of this is part of the grieving process.

There have been the inevitable regrets, ‘I could have’, ‘I should have’, nothing heavy, just small things, but regrets all the same. This too, I believe is part of the process.

It has only been twelve days, but it feels like a lifetime has been lived in that short time, and in a way it has, in the memories and moments of my mum’s life that we have talked, cried and laughed about.

These past twelve days have been so hard, from the raw disbelief of the first few,  the necessity of days taken up with arrangements and days where waves of sadness wash over you with no regard for where you are or what you are doing.

It may seem strange to say this, but one good thing that has slowly risen to the surface, is the overwhelming feeling that every minute of every day is precious. Life, no matter how much we believe we have control, cannot be scripted. Life, happens regardless of what we do, it happens around us whether we are moving with it or in a tunnel of grief…this I now know.

I am aware that my life has changed forever, there will always be a piece of me missing, but I am determined to try to wake up every day and be the best person I can, because we never know when this journey will end.

I believe I owe my fortitude and positivity to my mum, she taught me the necessity of these attributes; so for this, among many other things, I am eternally grateful.

Writing along with Amanda’s beautiful February prompts. Yesterday’s prompt ‘scripted’ felt so right today.

white flower

For my mum

When I kissed her and said goodbye that night…watched her walk away, I didn’t know it would be for the very last time.

This past week we have cried, held each other tight, laughed and reflected. We have remembered the beautiful person we were all so lucky to have in our lives.

She loved flowers, loved growing things; was never more happy than when her hands were in the soil. So, as spring unfolds and earth awakens, I will see her in the snowdrops, in the daffodils, in everything that grows; and I will smile.

For my beautiful mum 1942 – 2015

Count the garden by flowers never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll ~ Author Unknown.

Forget me not

 

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